In times of tragedy its important for the rest of us to remember to keep doing what we do best. And for most of us, that's entertaining each other by acting like dumbasses. This is my story...

This past weekend I was at the my local horror convention getting mistaken for Sting, hanging out with a drunken girl who dressed up like Barbarella, and eating blue waffles. Seriously, I brought my Mickey Mouse waffle maker, and made blue waffles for friends in my hotel room. They're really quite good. And if you aren't entirely familiar with what a blue waffle is, please do a Google image search on one.... and leave your safe search filter off.

Anyway, Friday I spent most of my day drinking. Drinking really cheap beer at that. For those of you who saw True Detective, you might remember Rust was drinking Lone Star Beer (nothing snooty).  Let me tell you, that is some cheap nasty ass shit, but dammit I try to be as authentic as possible. No half-assing it here!!! And by 5 in the afternoon I had drank about 4 of those tall boys, and since I kind of skipped lunch, I was feeling it.

So in a drunken attempt to sober up, I started eating a pack of Keebler Elf chocolate chip cookies from one of the lobby vending machines. Much to my chargin these were some terrible cookies. Burnt as hell. Some of the worst manufactured cookies I've ever had. Normally, I'd be content to throw them out and kiss the dollar goodbye, but I was feeling chippy and I needed an outlet, so I called the toll-free "we'd love to get your feedback" phone number on the back of the packet. And when I drink, I like to talk. When the poor woman who answered the phone finally got to me, I talked her ear off about the importance of maintaining standards of quality when it comes to cookies. I was good enough not to swear but I rambled for a good solid 5 minutes. She ended up taking my phone number, address, and offered me a sincere apology. Then I went off and drank another beer.

Friends, that rambling paid off today. In the mail I received a $5 coupon, good towards any Kellog's product. That's right. Cookies.... cereal.... morning star tofu chicken nuggets.... I can have any and all of these things. All because I drank just enough to call a consumer assistance phone number.

Now if only video game companies would do this when they made shitty games...

I think at that point I don't think I could have summoned up any Rust'isms. I might have been able to get out an "allright, allright, allright" but that's about it.