The "Show Me The World's Hottest Woman, And I'll Show You A Guy Who's Tired of Fucking Her" Award - Nintendo for abandoning the Wii customer base

Nintendo has the highest worldwide console sales. The audience is huge. The audience has made dozens and dozens of games million + sellers. So what does Nintendo do with them in 2012? Ignores them for 9 months. For the first 9 months of the year the best they could do was Mario Sports Party. Sure there were a few good games in the last few months of the year with Kirby, Zelda and Fortune Street (fuck you it's a good game). But over 70 million Wii owners were ignored for most of the year. It's pretty clear that Nintendo fans are the battered women of the video game world.

The "Doing Nothing Would Have Been Better" Award - Natsume for Harvest Moon: The Tale of Two Towns 3DS

I'm not here to hate on Natsume for giving us another yearly installment of Harvest Moon that offers nothing in terms of innovation and new ideas. I'm here to hate on them for easily the most half-assed port of all time. Their 3DS version of Tale of Two Towns. Released an entire four months after the DS version, it added a host of new features, and by features I mean glitches, crashes, and game ending bugs. The 3-D effects were awful, and there was no extra content or enhanced graphics. For $10 extra dollars and 4 extra months of waiting I think it's admirable they achieved so much. Nicely done. They actually showed that doing something with minimal effort is worse than doing nothing at all.

The "Way To Live Up To Expectations" Award - Duke Nukem Forever

I got to give 3D Realms or whoever the fuck made the game credit. There's not a single person on earth who walked away from Duke Nukem disappointed. That's something you can't even say for hallowed gaming classics like Ocarina of Time and Chrono Trigger and modern day masterpieces like Portal 2 and Arkham City. Sure, some people might say it's impossible for the bar to have been any lower than it was, but we're not here to debate that. Let's just admire this game for meeting everyone's expectations. It was the piece of shit we all expected, and it didn't crash anyone's console or PC.

The "Have You Even Touched A Woman Before?" Award - Netherealm Studios for Mortal Kombat

I like boobs. Fuck that... I LOVE boobs. I love boobs more than I love sandwiches, and I'm a man who loves his sandwiches. However, I've got to take some exception with Mortal Kombat. These girls not only have ridiculously large boobs, but they actually look like implants. Bad implants it that. It was so bad that even my wife constantly asked why I played a fighting game with porn stars. In all fairness though, the only porn stars with racks like that are the ones who do boob fetish videos. So congrats Netherealm... you created a videogame that I'm embarassed to play in front of my wife.

The "I'll Rape You For a Quarter" Award - Capcom for Street Fighter III DLC pack

I've always shaken my head at companies who offer alternate costume DLC packs (and even moreso for people who buy them). Capcom in particular has become infamous for them and seems to offer them for all of their fighting games. With games like SFIV or Marvel v. Capcom 3, they at least made different outfits so at least the mildly retarded can argue there's some effort put forth. Not with SFIII though. Once again Capcom offered up an alternate costume pack, but this time it's not really a new costume. It's extra palatte swaps. You know, just in case 5 palatte swaps per character aren't enough, here are some extra. Finally you can play as Q in a salmon colored trench coat for just $5. Just what we all wanted. But hey, if anyone is dumb enough to pay for it, Capcom deserves the cash.

The "You Completely Missed the Target" Award - Xseed for Corpse Party's release

The video game world has a simple formula for success. Release good games, on popular systems, at times when they will sell large number of copies. That first part about good games is the toughest part, or so you'd think. Xseed's decisions with Corpse Party however suggests maybe that wasn't the case. They decided to publish Corpse Party, a genuinally creepy horror game, though why they bothered is anyone's guess. To quickly sum up.... it's a PSN exclusive for the PSP. No PS3 compatibility. PSP Downloadable ONLY. So the potential audience in North America is about 14 people. So when do you release a downloadble only PSP horror game? Halloween you say? Good thought, but no. Middle of November... smack dab in the middle of all the high profile holiday games. Strike 3 genuises.

The "All That Glitters Is Not a Gold Plated Dildo You Fucking Ass-Fuck" Award - Shadows of the Damned

You have to admire what EA and Suda 51 almost pulled off with Shadows of the Damned. They almost fooled the world into thinking this piece of shit game was good, simply by injecting it with an overdose of attitude. Repetitive puzzles, repetitive combat, and repetitive scenery were almost able to be overlooked simply by filling this game with dick jokes, tits, and a million different swear words in both English and Spanish. Unfortunately liberal use of the words fuck, shit, cock, cunt, and puta weren't enough to hide that this game really sucked.

The "If You're Hot Enough You Can Get Away With Murder" Award aka the "Casey Anthony" Award - Bethesda for Skyrim PS3

You didn't really think I'd let these assholes get away unscathed in a worst of list did you? Bethesda managed to pull off something that few other developers could get away with. They released a broken game, knowing full well they could never fix it. You have to make a truly amazing game for most customers and media outlets to ignore something like that. Sure, a few websites brought it up, but a week later it was never mentioned again... and a week after that, Skyrim was winning GOTY awards for the correctly working versions of the game. I hope they all get raped by syphillitic monkeys.

Please... the PSN outage. That's for amateurs.

This blog is the shit.

Is Dark Robio's wife Robio's wife?