Just this once.

Back in grade school, I had a teacher who listed out human needs.  Water, air, food, shelter, and companionship.  That last one struck me; his demonstration was to stick an obnoxious student who thrives on attention in the hall to see if he tries to get noticed; needless to say I wasn't convinced.

I'll need to give you some backstory on myself.  You could say I never was particularly normal -- the high-point of my social life was before my family moved cities...when I was six.  Since then, it's been a rather linear progression as I further and further drifted from relating to others.  I've tried to see where I fit, and frankly I don't.  Not to say that's good or bad or anyone's fault, it just is.  So long ago, earlier than you would expect, I've had the understanding that I would live my life primarily alone, and have been mentally preparing myself as such.

It was never perfect; I had always wanted, at the least, just one person to completely relate to and for it to be mutual.  That said, after spending a year working in a call centre, when I finally left, it was gone.  Dead.  I whole-heartedly enjoyed being alone following that, and it scared me.  It was like living in a shell.  Over time, I've been able to revive some feeling inside, yet it manages to confuse things all the more.  A curious little curse that is, feel nothing or feel pain.

At any rate, that leads me to today.  Essentially the only time I have human interaction face-to-face is once a week when I have lab work at University with a partner.  As stupid as it is, and despite my failed efforts to understand it, I walk out of the class feeling better than I have in years.  A short-lived high, but it's helps for a day.

And that brings us back around to those needs.  Water, air, food, shelter.  Companionship.  I thought I could do this alone, and I've been trying for years, but something's got to give.  I'm not healthy right now, at least, not by any fair definition -- a healthy person does not feel like this -- and it only progresses.  Problem is, that doesn't change who I am or anyone else is.  Society around here relates drinking with fun, and the only people who don't drink are either recovering alcoholics or deeply religious.  Kinda puts the atheist non-drinker out.  Of course, it's entirely possible to get along with people very different than myself, I tend to get along with a majority of people, but I've found that's limiting, for lack of a better term.

I am who I am, and I put my integrity first and foremost, so certain things will never change.  I also don't particularly think my evaluation of a life alone is wrong, either.  I'm just not so sure that list of needs was off-base.

It's better to let us know how you're feeling because I'm sure we're all interested and want to see if we're able to help.

Besides blogs are there for venting!

"his demonstration was to stick an obnoxious student who thrives on attention in the hall to see if he tries to get noticed"

I thought it was a girl getting locked in the supply closet, unless this happened on multiple occasions.

Oh, right, I remember now...Yes, it did happen on multiple occasions. haha. Put someone in the hall and see if they make faces at the window.