Sooo my grandpa died yesterday. Not saying for sympathy, it hasn't really affected me at all yet. I just need to post a rant here and sound off though, or otherwise I am going to start doing it on family member's Facebook status updates.
What is affecting me is the frustratingly dumb and hypocritical things people are saying, like “It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had” Mostly because I've heard this said time and time again, and each time the person just goes back to taking life for granted and saying fml over the smallest thing within a week. I've done it myself.
Seriously for religious people, what's with the disconnect? Really if you believe in a heaven-like afterlife this should be the opposite and you should look forward to dying, as this life is short and painful in comparison to the eternal one that awaits you in a magical golden castle in the sky. This puzzles me as to why there is so much sorrow surrounding Christian funerals. Shouldn't it be a joyous thing for that person... their suffering is done and you truly believe they are in a better place? In which case, all the crying done at funerals is selfish really and people are saying they'd rather keep someone dying in a hospital bed a bit longer than letting them go be happy forever and re-joining them in 30 years.
The next few days are going to go very badly if I don't keep my mouth shut
I don't believe in any sort of heaven or afterlife but I agree that funerals should be joyous occasions purely by virtue of being a celebration of a person's existence and not a mourning for their loss.
Sort of how I understand they are/were in New Orleans
You have to understand the way the brain works. When there is a trauma, there is a spike of emotion; good or bad. People will freak out and get depressed, or get very nostalgic and make a dozen promises they really never intend to keep. The brain ALSO, however, has a natural tendency towards homeostasis; after the emotion subsides, people tend to go back to their "normal" selves not too long after. It's just the way the body naturally deals with things. It's really not any individual's fault.
That being said and being understood, I tend to treat funerals as times of reflection. You can make tasteful jokes to lighten the mood, you can reminisce about the person. The funerals aren't really for the benefit of the person who's died, but more for the people who are left behind. Usually, there is something that makes a person unique or a lesson in life they were always trying to teach or learn. I try to remember these things at a person's funeral to remind others of this or try my best to internalize them myself and carry on the knowledge they gathered. Like I said though, the body and brain try to return to "normal" so this is something you really need to remain conscious of and force yourself to do.
I am not really a religious person, but I do understand this: Death and the hereafter isn't supposed to be some great "reward" or something to look forward to. Death is a part of life to neither be feared nor anticipated. It merely is. While you are alive, you are supposed to live each day as if that's ALL there is; experience all you can experience, learn all you can learn, (no joke) be all you can be... and then after you pass, it's just a continuation and celebration of the journey so far and ever after.
Most importantly: Don't be afraid to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Death is also a time of great release. It's one of those moments in life where people tend to just understand and tolerate great outbursts, tears, fury, sadness... It doesn't matter what it is. You need to let these things out, just like you need to let the person who's died go. People DO understand; It's one of the few moments in life when they ACTUALLY do!
Him:"How are you?"
Me: "Good" (My automatic response whenever someone asks)
Him: (kind of caught off guard) "Sorry to hear about your grandpa"
.... d'oh.
People use the time when someone dies to come together and get back in touch with people they may have neglected in the past.
The phrase "I'm sorry to hear about..." doesnt always necessarily mean they feel sorry for YOU (and if it does, don't be offended by that)...
...sometimes it means they feel sorry THEMSELVES and share the sentiment with others to validate what THEY are feeling.
So long as she doesn't come back as a zombie it's all good.
Part of that whole "homeostasis" thing I was talking about before also involves the bodies fail-safe, auto-pilot that continues you along your usual routine, even when things are anything but "usual."
Again, don't worry about it. People understand.
The very fact that you recognize what you did shows you're not totally in shock and acting automatically. Try not to overthink yourself too much in the next few days or you'll drive yourself nuts!