Something in the past few years has happened to me, and it's been a struggle to define or explain it. The majority is a topic for another day, but in the end I can say I definitely have a greater breadth and capacity for emotion and caring far beyond anything prior.
Consistently I am able to be moved by all kinds of mediums unlike anything before. Movies, music, games, books, whatever can reach me. Highs and lows, joy and tears.
But that is all in the moment. Before it starts and when it ends, I am a shell. There's nothing left over but to wonder where it went and what to do next.
Individual things make me happy, perhaps at a moment, moreso than ever before, and yet I'm not happy. I'm lost.
A few weeks back I legitimately had an epiphany. Being conflicted on many issues that I couldn't wrap my head around, I finally stumbled on the basis, the foundation for everything I feel. Making others happy is more enjoyable and satisfying than anything else could ever be.
Somehow it's not quite like the movies. Knowing why doesn't solve the outcome. It's a bit of a paradox really, wanting to help others while having no desire to have anything to do with them personally. At least I'm on the right career path, should that ever amount to anything.
Sorry, this is a bit of ramble, but is this how it's supposed to work? Hopping from emotional stimulant to stimulant in order to grasp at a brief moment of joy before it vanishes back into nothingness?
Consistently I am able to be moved by all kinds of mediums unlike anything before. Movies, music, games, books, whatever can reach me. Highs and lows, joy and tears.
But that is all in the moment. Before it starts and when it ends, I am a shell. There's nothing left over but to wonder where it went and what to do next.
Individual things make me happy, perhaps at a moment, moreso than ever before, and yet I'm not happy. I'm lost.
A few weeks back I legitimately had an epiphany. Being conflicted on many issues that I couldn't wrap my head around, I finally stumbled on the basis, the foundation for everything I feel. Making others happy is more enjoyable and satisfying than anything else could ever be.
Somehow it's not quite like the movies. Knowing why doesn't solve the outcome. It's a bit of a paradox really, wanting to help others while having no desire to have anything to do with them personally. At least I'm on the right career path, should that ever amount to anything.
Sorry, this is a bit of ramble, but is this how it's supposed to work? Hopping from emotional stimulant to stimulant in order to grasp at a brief moment of joy before it vanishes back into nothingness?
Recently Spotted:
*crickets*
The only regrets I feel deeply come from when I have, in moments of weakness and callousness, chosen to not help others.
Look at the charitable billionaries who endure in your memory, they've figured it out, they can buy anyone and anything (and usually did in their business phase of life) but upon retirement found no higher purpose than to give back.
A saw a line in bloody Stargate when a character was dying that put life into perspective.
We are so small and the universe is so big, the only thing in life you can really control is whether you are good or evil.
There you go. Now be at peace.
Your very presence and effort put in this place makes all of us happy. Thank you.