Manuel: An Autobiography

    

My
parents abandoned me at a young age. But instead of dropping me off at
someone's door step, they dropped me in the walrus enclosure. Luckily
the normally brutal walruses had been de-tusked for the safety of the
zoos patrons, so I was in no danger.

    

A tusk-less Walrus.

  

With
the zoo keepers mistaking me for a baby Walrus, and the Walrus finding
that I didn't taste like molluscs, they took me on and raised me as a
Walrus. I could never fluently speak Walrus, but we had a mutual
understanding of love, and when the time came they knew I had to leave.
However the zoo keepers were not so understanding.

  

Still
under the impression that I was a Walrus, they would not let me escape
from the enclosure. But the Walruses managed to overpower the zoo
keepers in a vicious battle that lasted several weeks. There were no
human survivors, save me. I learnt how to say goodbye in Walrus so that
I could bid them farewell properly, and on the day I was to leave, I
managed to say: "…" and I left happily.

  

However,
my first years spent in the human world were not so enjoyable. I found
quickly that I needed to learn how to speak, and that nobody was able
to pronounce my Walrus name: "Tuku Nitaka", which roughly means, "the
one with tusks".

  

I tried to take an English cIass
but with no form of identification I found quickly that I did not
exist, and as a Walrus—not a person—I had no rights. I fell into
squalor for many of my first years in the human world, and it wasn't
long before I found Bearshine. It may not be politically correct to say
that a drug saved me from squalor, but the smooth, shiny, and golden
liquid that is available in over 250 different flavour combinations—all
better than the last—gave me the determination and the confidence to
take the human world on.

  

The first thing I
realised was that I needed a human name—with a name I would be
recognised as a human. But before that I had to learn English. I first
attempted to use Babelfish and Google Translator, but there was no
"Walrus" option, so I knew I only had one option: Greenpeace.

  

I'd
heard tales of the people at Greenpeace who would try and seduce
Walruses. They were fluent in both English and Walrus, and they treated
Walruses mostly well, though all Walruses knew that they treated them
well only in the hope of sexual gratification.

  

I
went to the cheapest area of the local university and found a young
Greenpeace member who called herself "Tuku Latika Gutika" which
translates roughly to "The Gentle Lady". But she was not gentle. In
fact she was a strong fan of discipline. Whenever I got a word wrong I
would get the strap, but I am thankful, for it was not long before I
was fluent in English (I still wasn't very good at Walrus, though).

  

I headed for the court, ready and willing to change my name to Manuel JesúsFabregas,
but I had no birth certificate, or identification, so I had no way to
prove what my current name was. I thought I was beaten. I headed back
to the zoo to live with my fellow Walrus, and be free of the world that
rejected me. I found the zoo was ruled by the Walrus who used the
otters as their slaves, and the gorillas as their groomers. I had an
insidious idea. It was time for a coup d'état!

  

The
entire zoo converged on the court and took it over in a bloody battle
that lasted several weeks. There were no human survivors, save me. I
wrote myself into the last census, changed my name, and ruled the human
world with my Walrus brothers. Then I wrote my memoirs which you just
read.